Damn you, Paperwork. You're poo, I tell you. Poo!

How many emails does it take to buy a house? 183. This does not include the numerous emails exchanged in the house hunting process.

How many pieces of paper did I sign or initial in the process of applying for the loan and closing the deal on the house? 51.

How many pieces of documentation did I provide to my mortgage broker? 43. Pieces. Not pages. The page count is probably four times that.

How many pieces of paper did I have to sign, initial, and "read" at the escrow office yesterday? 78.

How many more pieces of paper has the escrow office emailed for me to sign and return subsequently? So far, two.

How many trips does it take to Bank of America for them to successfully complete a wire transfer? Two. They just called. While they have assured me that my down payment has "gone out," they forgot to have me sign something and need me to return tomorrow.

How many seagulls sit on your parked car in Margaritaville? One or two. Or an entire flock. It's up to the seagulls. They call the shots.

My Various Nutty Internet, Facebook, Blogger, Word Press, email, and iPad Woes

Dear Evil Cybersquirrels,

Oh you minions who guard the gates of Internet land, let not my pleas fall upon deaf furry ears. 

1) Hasten to hasten my AT&T 3 G connection. Baltimore and its environs is not the moon. It's a major city. People who work in Washington live here.  C'mon.
2) Allow me, oh powerful ones, to comment on Word Press blogs. I am not a troll. 
3) Allow all worthy readers to comment on my Blogger blog. Encourage
 not a Blogger-Word civil war. We wish to be bloggers united, free to comment across the great divide and will divulge the location of secret caches of nuts if you tear down the impediments that mute us.
4) Allow my iPad to drag and drop....okay I'm begging now. Pleeeeeeeese.
5) Allow my outgoing emails to my divorce attorney to GO OUT or upon my return to the land of scraggly rattish-tailed squirrels, I will commence much mayhem.
6) Desist immediately in your misguided attempts to coax me to type upside-down foreign-ly accented words into a silly box every time I want to share something on Facebook. Sharing is nice, oh evil cybersquirrels. Sharing is nice. Nice. You little rabid assholes.