It's Not All Sunsets and Sea Glass: Post-Debate Thoughts

I'm trying to remember if I smiled the night my assaulter held his hands around my neck, pinning me  against the front seat of my car for close to an hour. I cajoled, to be sure. "I'm married," I told this acquaintance who followed me out of the party, ostensively walking me to my car. "You don't want to do this," I said. I talked non-stop except for the moments when his grip on my neck grew tighter. But I don't think I smiled.
I didn't want Hilary to smile during the debate. Every time she smiled I thought about how women are expected to look pleasant and pretty in the public eye. I thought about how women smile to defuse aggression. I am an unabashed Hilary supporter. I don't want a wall. I don't want Muslims to be barred from the U.S. I don't want to scrap the Affordable Care Act and start over. I don't want women to continue to crawl along without an Equal Rights Amendment. But I don't want Hilary to smile.
Trump behaved like a stalker during the debate. Standing behind her. Threatening to throw her in jail. Pacing around her with his hands in his pockets. And I hated the final moment when they approached one another for that final handshake. He put his hand behind her, appearing to touch her  in the small of her back. I interpreted that as a show of aggression.
And while never having been a conspiracy theorist of any kind, I wouldn't be surprised if the Trump campaign itself released the trash-talking bus video. The message: Watch out. I'm an aggressor. I will dominate you.
Our society is fucked up when it comes to gender equality. Women have have the vote for more than hundred years. Yet we are the last to the party, among all the developed countries in the world, for maternal leave and health care policies that protect women and children, We are expected to do it all and that's impossible.
"I want you to come home with me," my assaulter said over and over again. I had a half-dozen reasons why that couldn't/shouldn't happen. I kept repeating them. When he finally got off me and stood up, I yanked my car door shut and drove home. I was drenched in sweat by then. That 's the way I felt by the end of tonight's debate.
I want Hilary to stop smiling. We don't have to please anyone. We just have to stand up.

Everything's Coming up Rosy

The dream occurred just before I woke, or so it seemed. "She's having a seizure!" someone shouted as they stood over me. "Call 911." The light wherever it was that I lay on the ground seemed oddly bright and yellow. It's not a seizure, I said--or wanted to say. I could not speak. But later I was able to explain to someone that I'd been having a pain one of my feet (true in real life) and that I'd been trying to exercise my feet (also true in real life) by stretching and flexing them when a series of insane charley horses took over my body and rendered me speechless with the pain.

I may have had this dream because of what's been going on over HERE. If you're the one or two readers of this blog who aren't already reading Elizabeth's blog, I suggest you click away from the workings of my brain and visit hers.

If, however, you are still here, let me say that I've finally worked out my ACA insurance insanity. Yes, my rates have increased 96.6 per cent. Yes, my policy got cancelled and I got "offered" a new one for a huge new price. And when I went to the Covered California website (which works swell, by the way) I found that I could get the same Kaiser policy for 9 dollars more than if I bought it from Kaiser directly--and that there was no cheaper policy available for me. And no, I don't really understand why individual rates are so much higher than group rates. But this morning after the seizure dream, I made peace with all of this. The litany of people I know and love without decent insurance or any insurance at all seemed present this morning as a gorgeous sunrise turned the water in the marina pink. Yes, I have a house in Southern California on  a marina. I have enough room for my mother and my daughter to live here. I have enough money to pay the tuition for both of my daughters. This money is not going to  last, but for right now I'm going to pay my big fat insurance premium and shut the hell up. Everyone in this affluent country should have decent health care without the threat of being dropped or considered uninsurable because they are sick. You can read more about that over on Elizabeth's blog too.