DENISE'S PLEASURE PALACE & PET INFIRMARY has changed its name

to

DENISE'S HAPPY HIDEAWAY AND PET HOSPICE

Layla still takes thyroid meds twice per day--after the morning and evening walks. In a Jerky Treat, please. Remember--she snaps and won't take it nicely from your hand. Due to certain gastric disturbances I have added Gas Busters to the dog pill regimen. Give one to Lola, too. For you humans there’s Beano in the pantry if you want to join the party.

And there are the usual allergy pills to dispense as needed.

Layla’s nerve degeneration is to the point that I have gated both her and Lola in the downstairs. Layla is like a dog on a bender now, and steps are a bad idea. The gate is a bit of a hassle. My apologies. The opening in it is made for a size 2 starlet. And—this is very important—the gate is positioned on the bottom step of the staircase, which means that unless you had your feet bound at age five, the tread is now quite abbreviated. And the gate is not bolted to the wall. It’s a “pressure gate” i.e. the pressure is on us humans using it not to employ it as a weight bearing railing.

As for the walks, Layla is still sufficiently jazzed about being alive that she somehow makes it up the patio steps. I have a ramp stored next to the steps just in case, but I’ve had no luck teaching her how to use it. I suggest rubbing it with a dead chicken, Cheeze Whiz, or paté de fois gras if you want to give it a go. As for getting down the steps, her  joie de vivre renders her delusional after she’s been out sniffing the grass. She thinks she can bound down the steps like a puppy. Don’t let her. She’ll hit the bottom like a canine Gumby. I stop at the top of the steps, remove Lola’s leash and let her go down first. Then I take off Layla’s leash and guide her down by the collar. I’m going to try to find a halter for her before I go.

The cats recently had teeth extracted. Snowflake is on antibiotics because one of her rotten teeth was infected. This medication may be finished before I go, but if not, it’s on the counter in the bathroom. Did you know that as cats age they can develop a condition in which the enamel of their teeth just wears away? That’s Piper. Snowflake, who is much more robust overall, just has unfortunate oral chemistry. She produces tartar prolifically. Both cats have stitches (the self dissolving kind) and have to be on soft food until the 24^th. The bowls of crunchies are stored on the front closet shelf in a plastic grocery sack. So break them out in a few days. Have a party. Goldfish for the humans? 

Oh—Snowflake has joined the ranks of the thyroid impaired. She has liquid meds. In the fridge on the door shelf in a brown bottle. 1/4 ml. twice a day. This medication must be kept cold, so I just fill a plastic syringe in the kitchen and take it to her. A nice little surprise. I try to catch her before I let her out of the bathroom in the morning and then later in the day when she is  sacked out in her bed on my desk. Here kitty, kitty.

How to give a cat a syringe of meds?

1)    hold cat's head like a baseball (honest—this is what the vet said)

2)   wiggle the syringe into the side of the cat's mouth where there are no teeth

3)   fire away

Alternately, you can sort of kneel over her on the floor, pinning her between your legs.

Good luck. And thank you from the bottom of my heart. I promise to do the same for you should you ever need thyroid medication.

Good News Department:

Snowflake has stopped the loud meowing. Which is good cuz it’s about a million degrees in the garage now. Maybe her teeth were hurting her. Yes, I feel guilty. There are pain meds for the cats on the bathroom counter. You could try that if she takes up yowling again. And I have vicodin in my bathroom cabinet (for you--not the cats) in case all else fails.

Because of the gate and because it is summer, there is much less dog hair everywhere and almost none on the now rather beautiful black granite stairs.

The grevelia tree has made a similar seasonal transition and no longer produces 2 trash bags of leaves daily. It has stopped dropping sap as well which makes the patio a tad more pleasant.

AND I now have a juicer.

Bad News Department:

The Roomba died.

Extra Summer Chores Department—the good and not so good:

There are blueberries to pick!
Fresh mint for mojitos!

All dog poo going into the trashcan should be bagged first or a plague of flies will ensue. Scoop twice per day, please—morning and evening.

Should you like to barbeque, the gas must be turned on with the little yellow handle. Parallel to the pipe is the “on” position. The igniter knob on the grill has disappeared, and you must light the grill by removing the grate and manually lighting it with a lighter. Sorry. It's on my fix-it list. Remember to turn off the gas.

The sprinklers are set to go on every other day. But check and see if anything looks parched. And don’t you get parched, okay?

So remember, the wine on the kitchen counter is for you. Get wild and crazy with the liquor in the pantry. Check the freezer. If you like gin at all, try the Hendricks. There's Tonic on the bottom shelf of the small pantry. And seltzer for the mojitos.

The envelope taped to the pantry door is for you. Enjoy.

And enjoy the love of the creatures who invented unconditional love.

And enjoy my place. It's lovely here. I live at the end of the rainbow! Flocks of song birds and wild parrots. Cable TV. Help yourself to pay per view. Call long distance on my phone. Wireless Internet. There's a pool, jacuzzi and sauna in the community area. And I have made up new pool keys which include a front door key. There are pool towels and goggles next to the washing machine.

And as noted above, it's summer. There are freeeeee concerts in the park.

http://www.leavcom.com/pdf/SPsummer01.pdf

Have at that espresso-maker. Eat whatever I've got. 

I love you for being here. Very, very much.

Welcome to Denise's Pleasure Palace and Pet Infirmary

I love my townhouse. It's the only place I've ever lived alone, and it felt good to downsize my big fat life after Mr. Ex left me. No pool man, no pond guy, no Mr. sump-pump, no tree-trimmers, no awning maintenance, no contract with a pest control company to keep the roving band of neighborhood rats out of the attic. I did, however, end up with all four of our pets. Using the current veterinary charts, the ages of  my four-legged roommates add up to 264 years. My cats are are just a year younger than my mother, and she and they seem to share a similar level of frailty. My dogs are middle-aged, and they and I seem to be suffering similar aches and pains. Layla the dog and Snowflake the cat have to really watch the tartar build-up. Me too. Lola is getting hard of hearing. What? Did somebody call my name?
I might live with humans again someday, but for right now and I'm grateful for the company I've got.
Soon I'll be leaving on vacation, and I will entrust a young couple with the care of four pets who all have health issues.
Layla takes thyroid meds twice per day--after the morning and evening walks. Put the pills in a Jerky Treat, please. Be careful--she snaps and won't take it nicely from your hand. Don't panic if she stumbles on the walks. She has muscle & nerve degeneration. When you hear her toenails scrape on the pavement, turn back.
Lola coughs and wheezes. She has allergies. Give her a pill. It's too big for a Jerky Treat. Stuff it into a Pill Pocket. Kudos to the genius who invented these.
If Layla coughs, give her one of Lola's pills. Remember, she snaps.
Piper has allergies (could she be allergic to dogs?) I'll give her an injection before I leave. She'll probably be fine. If she licks all the hair off her stomach and legs, call C. She'll explain how to give the shot.
Snowflake meows a lot. Sometimes she lets loose with a bloodcurdling yowl. This seems to be normal for her. But it can drive a normal human crazy. Give her a treat. Bathroom drawer. Kitchen pantry. Try a tiny scoop of catnip in her bed--the one on my desk. If it's making you crazy, and you feel the urge to lick all the hair off your legs, put her in the garage with a little food and water. She has a bed there already. The wine on the kitchen counter is for you. Get wild and crazy with the liquor in the pantry. Check the freezer. If you like gin at all, try the Hendricks. There's Tonic somewhere.
Piper doesn't meow at all. You may think she's run away. Look under the bathroom sink. She likes it there.
Snowflake will run away if you leave the door ajar for even a second. Don't please. Then you'll have to jog through the neighborhood shaking a can of kitty treats. She's amazingly athletic for an old woman. She can jump over a fence like a cat on a pogo-stick.
Feed the cats a can of cat food 3 times a day--that's a new extra feeding that's been added. They have both been losing weight. (Me too). Be sure there is dry food in their dishes (laundry room and bathroom) at all times. Ditto on their water. The cat food is stored in the front closet on the top shelf next to the hats (mine--not the cat's).
Remember to shut the dog gate in the bathroom doorway or the dogs will eat all the cat's food. It gives them diarrhea. Don't forget to admire the nifty little alteration I made to the cat door portion of the gate.

Lola used to squeeze her 45 pound body through that tiny hole. Anything for cat food. Oh, don't put the empty cat food cans in the bathroom wastebasket--take them to to garage waste basket. If Lola does per chance starve herself to a new svelteness just to squeeze through the cat door, she will lick the cat food can lids and cut her tongue.
There are 2 litter boxes. One in the laundry room and one under Piper's sink. There are scoops next to them and litter deodorizer. I pretty much have air freshener everywhere. Desk. Bathroom. Laundry room. Sorry. I've heard that the olfactory system of a man is less sensitive than that of a woman. It's very important to keep the dogs out of the litter boxes. Layla is fond of Poo Poo Roca. Close the gate to the bathroom. As a double precaution, the side of the cabinet that holds the litter box is taped shut. It keeps dogs out and litter granules in. And keep the laundry room door that is in front of the litter box closed, and put the big rock with the cat painted on it in front of it.
If you're gone for hours, turn on the TV for the dogs. Chanel 67.
There's a broom and dustpan in the garage. The vacuum is there too. How much you clean is up to you. You might be a big Star Wars fan and find yourself quite attractive as a wookie.
If the cats throw up on the dining room chairs and you find it before the dogs eat it, don't worry. I think the better living through chemistry folks made that fabric. I just wipe it off with plain water. Cleans up real nice.  It doesn't happen all that often. Ditto the couch. It's leather. Treat it like a cheap pair of shoes.
All the dog-walking stuff is in the dresser by the french doors. Poo bags. Flashlight. Extra keys. Rain coat....The dogs are trained to walk on the left side by side. They can only make it a block or so. The park might be too far, but you can try. The pooper scooper is by the back gate. Scoop the patio at least twice a day. They have been known to step in their own poo and then come sit by you while you're watching TV.
The envelope taped to the pantry door is for you. Enjoy.
And enjoy the love of the creatures who invented unconditional love.
And enjoy my place. It's lovely here. Flocks of song birds and wild parrots. Cable TV. Help yourself to pay per view. Call long distance on my phone. Wireless Internet. There's a pool, jacuzzi & sauna in the community area. Have at that espresso-maker. Eat whatever I've got. I love you for being here.
Gosh I sure am glad Mr. Ex and the Little Missus have a nanny to change their baby's diapers. Otherwise that would be a lot of work for them.