Report from the Abyss

Today's evening beach walk. (thank god) There were hundreds of gulls.

I heard THIS today as I was driving and had to pull over. If you're a regular reader here, you'll remember that about a month ago I LOST DAN'S VOICEMAILS. I was overjoyed to hear that after three days the 11 engineers working to recover the lost message from this guy's wife succeeded. If you Google "lost voicemails from loved ones" you'll see that is not how it usually goes. I recommend you have a box of kleenex handy if you do Google that. Just reading the search results page without actually clicking on anything is enough to shatter your heart.

Here's the thing. A voicemail is not just a recording of a person's voice. It's a recording of them speaking directly to you and only you. Those words are for your ears only. And they've had a few seconds to gather their thoughts while they listened to your outgoing message. They want to talk to you. They have something to say. They want to talk to you so bad that they're going to talk even though you're not really there in person listening.

So yeah. Fuck you T-Mobile.

And speaking of the voices of loved ones, it's monumentally ironic that as I type this, I'm opening up my iTunes to drown out the sound of my mother who is on one of her moaning jags. Are you okay? Do you need something? Can I help you? Do you need a pain pill? These are the questions I've politely asked while my brain is screaming shutupshutupshutupshutupshuthefuckup.

So yeah. Fuck you old age and all the meds with the weird side effects and every other degenerative thing that can make a person moan and groan non-stop without even knowing it.

Yeah. It's 9:00 and I'm going to bed.

What the Yoga Teacher Said And Other News

I awoke this morning convinced that I might as well begin the new year fulfilling my potential to become the mean and angry person it seemed I was meant to be. Maybe this was the year I would  yield to my destiny as a hit man or a dognapper or a baby snatcher. Maybe I could at least get a job writing parking tickets or turning down deserving people for home loans. Even if I had to settle for being a bitchy old woman who patroled the beach threatening to turn everyone in who walked an un-leashed dog, I felt I could do a damn good job at it.

Then I went to yoga. In the park. At the beach. You know. All that blue sky and glistening water. Swaying palm trees and dunes simultaneously all soft and resilient against the sea. And the yoga teacher. What she said was something about the word hatha meaning light and dark--and I think she said it meant both the light side of the mountain and the dark side of the mountain. Or maybe I was just looking at the dunes and interjected the image of a hill into the business about dark and light. In any event, I thought  Yeah, I sure as hell am on the dark side of the mountain. And I am. And I'm not sure I have what it takes to climb up and over that mountain to the other side right now, but maybe I should not pursue becoming a hit man and just stand still and wait for the light. It will probably take a while.

I like how the light here looks both like a mushroom cloud and a palm tree.

By some miracle I had the foresight to plan a full day of care for my mom today. Feeling the way I did, I stayed outside pretty much the entire day. My new iPhone (yes, that would be the iPhone without the voicemails from Dan on it) says that I walked over 5 miles. Pretty much every step of that was on the beach. I even found beach glass, so maybe the beach glass drought is over. That's something, right?

The pile on the left is what I found today. The pile on the right is what I've found in the past 6 months.

And yeah, I'm still not really returning all my phone calls right now. I start to call people back, but then I get the feeling I might burst into tears as soon as you say hello. I have to time it just right. But we'll talk. Thank you for calling.

It's Been a Rocky Year

2014 began with the countdown to surgery for the man who loved me, and it's come to an end with me stupidly losing the voicemails from him that I'd saved since his death in June. T-Mobile is holding fast to their position that these words from him to me are forever consigned to the ether. I'm still in shock.

And yes, of course, there were good things in 2014. Sweet tastes to wipe the bitter away.
As always I am awed by the love, generosity, and graciousness of friends and of my children.

I give you no resolutions. No particular plans or hopes. But with all my heart, I do wish you smooth sailing in 2015.