So This Was Christmas

Christmas Eve dinner for four. Clean-up left until the next morning. "I know you're probably thinking someone has kidnapped your real mother," I told my daughter when we walked away from the mess smiling.

Then with Christmas morning light edging the window shade and me still in bed full of love and cake, I woke to a clatter in the kitchen. The man who loves me had cleaned up the entire mess.
Do I want my old life back? Oh no. For a million reasons, no.

Some Things Don't Make Any Sense

"Hi Beautiful," is what the guy I'm dating says to me when he recognizes my caller I.D. & picks up his phone. Or sometimes, in a surprised voice as though he's been looking for me everywhere, "There

you are!"

Mr. Ex used to answer his phone, "Is this going to be long or short?"

So why did I wake up this morning thinking I was still married & I was in the bed Mr. Ex & I shared? Why did I hear wild parrots outside & the clatter of dog toenails on our wooden floor?

Some things don't make any sense at all.

Nothing Compares to You

I'm a mess, I admit it.  

The road trip is over.  I'm about to board a plane and fly back to L.A. where I will be "home" for 36 hours before I board a plane to Greece. I've left my daughter M. in St. Paul for what we are calling her first "grown-up summer." She's almost 2o and she will live in my condo, drive the car her dad has handed down to her and work a  9-5 internship tutoring inner city kids. For the next few days she will be hosting her brother, his wife and their 3 kids and putting her first household in order.

Meanwhile, I feel like I've come almost full circle. I became a blogger after my trip to Greece last fall--when I left the country to be as far away as I could manage when Mr. Ex got re-married. I'm returning for a writing workshop + hiking with the author Meredith Hall  http://meredithhall.org/  and I have fallen completely in love with the man I've been dating since December.

Here's how I know:

M. found little to appreciate on my ipod during our long drive from California to St. Paul EXCEPT for Sinead O'Connor's hit Nothing Compares to You. We played it a couple of times every few hundred miles. Mr. Ex liked this song and when the two of us were driving in the car together when it came on the radio in the 80s or 90s or whenever that was, he'd sing along and put his hand on my knee.

On this trip, I remembered that and there was an interesting pang, but I didn't really care.  All I could think of was the man I'm going home to.

I am very, very lucky. 

And a mess.

EXPOSED

I've been feeling rather exposed lately.  As if my heart could be plucked from my chest, put on a plate and eaten until not even the tiniest morsel remains.

"This isn't a relationship," I told the man I'm dating a week or so ago.  He looked surprised until I went on.  "It's a love affair," I said.  Making that distinction was my way of reconciling the fact that we live apart and aren't really involved at all in each other's day to day lives and that I see him about half as much as I'd like to.  This week, I'm asking myself what I want--really.  His last relationship was a weekend thing.  For 7 or 8 or I dunno how many years, he and this woman saw each other only on the weekends.  I could see that working out...if we actually saw each other on the weekends.  What if what this all comes down to is that I like him more than he likes me?

La Meme

I've been tagged by an excellent blogger, Elizabeth Aquino at http://elizabethaquino.blogspot.com  Her blog a moon worn as if it had been a shell is nothing short of remarkable.

This is one of those question things like they do on Facebook.  I'm supposed to answer them and then tag more people who will do the same etc.  I like the title of this one--La Meme is French and translates to "the same."  We are all more alike than we imagine, I think.  Plus, I guess La Meme  is also a brand of absinthe, which sounds really good to me right now.

Here goes:

What are your current obsessions?

The man I'm dating but very rarely see these days. The indelible mark that seems to have been left on me by my divorce.

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?

White silk pajamas

Last thing you bought?

2 wallets--for my mom and for her twin sister for mother's day

What are you listening to?

Birds singing & one of my dogs breathing deeply in her sleep

Favourite kid's film

Lady and the Tramp

Favourite Holiday Spots

southern Greece, anywhere in France, Rome, New York City,Cambria on the central coast of California

What are you reading right now?

I just finished Pope Brock's American Gothic and am about to start a book that mysteriously ended up in my stack--I think because someone (I can't remember who) said I had to read it.  It's called The Living End by Stanley Elkin.

Four words to describe me: 

moody, struggling, grateful,sad

Guilty pleasure?

kahlua in a glass of milk at bedtime

Who or what can make you laugh until you are weak?

So many things...I once could not get up out of my seat after a performance of Noises Off that I saw on Broadway.

First Spring thing?

I planted a lemon tree and a kumquat tree on my patio.

Planning to travel next?

Minnesota, Iowa & Greece--all in the month of May!

What do you wish for most?

Other than world peace, etc? My one true love.

Best thing you ate and drank recently?

A made to order tofu bowl from Whole Foods

When & with whom did you last eat dinner by candlelight?

3 days ago with my daughter and the elusive man I might still be dating.

Favourite ever film?

Cassablanca .

Care to share some wisdom?

Asking for help is very difficult, but sometimes necessary...and very, very...helpful.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

I would never ever think of my ex-husband again.

What's your motivation for starting another day?

My dogs have to be walked or they'll eat my couch and tip over the dining room chairs.

Rules of la meme:
Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Tag 8 people (I'm tagging only four)

I tag:

Barry at http://www.schwumpdumps.blogspot.com

Julie at http://www.julesarose.blogspot.com/

http://tovadarling.blogspot.com/

 Musings of the Lame

Problems of the Heart

My new sweetheart is down with a cold and has been confronting the fact that he may have a problem with his heart, too.  It will take some time before he gets in to see the cardiologist and because he's been feeling run down we've been seeing each other less.  

It seems like my own heart has only recently recovered from the trauma of divorce and now just as the word "love" has worked its way back into my vocabulary, I find myself speechless with melancholy.  I don't want to talk to anyone or go out. I don't feel like tackling any serious writing projects.  My kumquat and lemon trees are waiting to be transplanted into their nice big pots and I don't have any energy for the project.  I feel like I'm waiting too, but I don't know for what.  My own roots don't know whether to wind themselves into a little ball or reach out for deeper soil.  

The trick with all this is that I blame it on the divorce.  I catch myself grumbling that if my husband hadn't left me, life would be good.  But life wasn't good when we were married either. I was living with a man who didn't want to be with me.  I spent less time with him than I spend with the man I'm dating. 

I hate it when I lie to myself.

My New Boyfriend

I've given up.

Here's Sam the man.  Sammy belongs to my Portland friends whom I'm visiting at the moment.  He likes to nuzzle his face against my hair while I'm sitting on the couch.  When he wants a little attention, he comes up to me and paws my leg (without extending his claws.)  I like that direct communication.

Sunday Sunset

I saw a jumbo jet glinting in the sunlight tonight while I was walking my dogs and wished I was on it.  Sorry, dogs.  It seems ridiculous to me that more than 15 months after my marriage ended, I  still  have not adjusted.  I have a lovely townhouse.  I live with 2 dogs and 2 cats. When I turn out my reading light at night, the dogs come over to the side of the bed for a final pat on the head. The timid cat who spends her time licking the hair off her legs while living in my downstairs bathroom cabinet comes out of hiding and settles down on the foot of my bed.  The other cat moves closer and purrs. So what is my problem?  The problem is that it's Sunday night--the one night of the week when I used to eat dinner with my husband (I know--how pitiful is that?!) and as I was walking those sweet dogs and looking up at the jetliner, I actually thought, I should be walking to dinner with Mr. Ex right now.  Is there no hope?

My son once told me that being adopted is like being in the witness protection program. Divorce is like that too. Your past is wiped out. You're supposed to forget it and move on.  Be someone else.  Erase your history.  Good thing I'm not in the witness protection program because I'd be fucking failing and would have a bullet in my brain by now.

So here's the score: 30 yr. marriage--over.  4 month relationship--over.  Coffee date--lukewarm.  Dinner date--no indigestion; just bland.  Full moon Athens/internet/telephone romance and possible friendship--over because I felt like burning a bridge out of spite. Internet and telephone correspondence: over due to the fact that I'm not OVER the divorce.  Internet correspondence--over because I'm not OVER  the divorce.  Okay, I admit it, I'm not over the divorce.  So sue me.