Thursday, July 9, 2015

Malaise de Pillville

Channel Islands National Park, Anacapa

God god, the monologue in my head needs to come out. It's either surgery, a 2x4, or a blog post.

I want to go. Name a place, a thing to be seen, a drink to be drunk, and a friend to be friendly with.  I want to go there, see it and drink it and do it. And I don't want to have to schedule care for my mother. I'm spending all her money, she tells me. She's right, I am. Soon it will be gone and then I will be spending my money.

I stayed home raising my kids for 20 plus years while married to man who was mostly too busy to go see and do though I did forcefully drag us a number of places. When the kids were little, I hated to leave them because we didn't have family near-by to baby-sit and I was wary of people I didn't really know. When they were teen-agers, there were all those teen-agery reasons not to leave them.

I am sick of watching over people. Yes, I know how lucky I am to still have my mother, but you know, a lot of the time she really doesn't seem like my mother. Living with her 20 years ago might have been a blast (minus the cigarettes.) Now, not so much.

I'm just going to list all the things I would do if I could. And, truthfully, I still do some of these things even though I shouldn't, but I rushrushrush to go and come back.

Take a walk at sunrise.
Take a walk after dinner.
Run to the store for any little thing any time I want.
Go out on the spur of the moment with a friend.
Take the kayak out.
Go out to the theatre.
Go to the beach at low tide and look for beach glass.
Go to concerts.
Go to L.A. whenever I want.
Take a trip without having to fly my mother to and from my brother's house (god bless him and his girlfriend) in Maryland. (price tag: 600-800 bucks--yeah first world problem, I know, I know.)
Volunteer for the Channel Islands National Park.
Learn to sail.
And probably most importantly, spend more time with friends who need love and support the way I had love and support lavished on me when Dan died.

Maybe there's some lesson I need to be learning here. Maybe if I don't get it in this life, I'll spend the next one really in prison.

Maybe I should watch another episode of Orange is the New Black and go to bed early.

Oh, and p.s., just for the record, NO, hospice does not provide any actual caregiving. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.


A said...

Yes, it bothers me a lot, like a low undertone always in the background, that caring for my daughter 24/7 means there are so many ways I can't give to others who are dear
to me.

ain't for city gals said...

Well, my husband gave up ten years of his life (more or less...not always 24/7 but mostly)to care for his parents and that is what I love most about him. It is so not easy but I do believe it is right...some days are better than others....hoping the good days outnumber the bad.

lily cedar said...

What you wrote is how I felt when caring for my daughter at home. And then when I was caring for my mum. Looking back I'm glad I took care of my mum up until she died but at the time it was just fucking hard work, same with Katie. I glad I kept Katie at home for so long as well but it damned near killed me.

So basically I have no words of advice, no nuggets of wisdom. Sorry...

I will send hugs though:)

Elizabeth said...

Visions of Thelma and Louise or some such shenanigans.

Elsewhere said...

If there's any karma out there: in your next life you will be able to do the whole list of things you want to do.
And I'm hoping your next life will start before you leave this one. There will be time enough. And because you are doing such a wonderful thing right now, you will not waste a second on thinking back.

I had a ring made with two parts. One says: this too will pass. The other: right now would be good.

janzi said...

It is Karma that you will benefit by, and all the sacrifices you have had to make will count so much in the future.. Caregiving is the hardest job, especially when the person is a parent. I admire your strength in coping and doing all that you can for your mum... it must be very hard at times, and so far these previous months have been even harder by the loss you suffered... but what joy you have bought to others, and reading your blog is quite inspirational too.. so hang on in there friend... sending you positive vibes from over the pond.. J

Ms. Moon said...

Well I am just going to flat-out say this- I don't think there's any more support for the theory of reincarnation (Karma assisted!) than there is for heaven.
I think we know what we have and that is right here.
And I don't have any advice. But I surely do not think you are asking for too much.

Kath said...

I hear you. One of the things I could not admit when caregiving was that routine bores me. And there were so many routines I could not step around. I am with you in spirit, and I thank you for so bravely facing your challenges and writing about them so honestly. I read every post, and it brings me to so many memories and insights. You are doing well, dear friend.

37paddington said...

Can you afford to hire a caregiver for a few hours each day, or even each week?