|Channel Islands National Park, Anacapa|
God god, the monologue in my head needs to come out. It's either surgery, a 2x4, or a blog post.
I want to go. Name a place, a thing to be seen, a drink to be drunk, and a friend to be friendly with. I want to go there, see it and drink it and do it. And I don't want to have to schedule care for my mother. I'm spending all her money, she tells me. She's right, I am. Soon it will be gone and then I will be spending my money.
I stayed home raising my kids for 20 plus years while married to man who was mostly too busy to go see and do though I did forcefully drag us a number of places. When the kids were little, I hated to leave them because we didn't have family near-by to baby-sit and I was wary of people I didn't really know. When they were teen-agers, there were all those teen-agery reasons not to leave them.
I am sick of watching over people. Yes, I know how lucky I am to still have my mother, but you know, a lot of the time she really doesn't seem like my mother. Living with her 20 years ago might have been a blast (minus the cigarettes.) Now, not so much.
I'm just going to list all the things I would do if I could. And, truthfully, I still do some of these things even though I shouldn't, but I rushrushrush to go and come back.
Take a walk at sunrise.
Take a walk after dinner.
Run to the store for any little thing any time I want.
Go out on the spur of the moment with a friend.
Take the kayak out.
Go out to the theatre.
Go to the beach at low tide and look for beach glass.
Go to concerts.
Go to L.A. whenever I want.
Take a trip without having to fly my mother to and from my brother's house (god bless him and his girlfriend) in Maryland. (price tag: 600-800 bucks--yeah first world problem, I know, I know.)
Volunteer for the Channel Islands National Park.
Learn to sail.
And probably most importantly, spend more time with friends who need love and support the way I had love and support lavished on me when Dan died.
Maybe there's some lesson I need to be learning here. Maybe if I don't get it in this life, I'll spend the next one really in prison.
Maybe I should watch another episode of Orange is the New Black and go to bed early.
Oh, and p.s., just for the record, NO, hospice does not provide any actual caregiving. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.