Thursday, May 13, 2010

Welcome to Denise's Pleasure Palace and Pet Infirmary

I love my townhouse. It's the only place I've ever lived alone, and it felt good to downsize my big fat life after Mr. Ex left me. No pool man, no pond guy, no Mr. sump-pump, no tree-trimmers, no awning maintenance, no contract with a pest control company to keep the roving band of neighborhood rats out of the attic. I did, however, end up with all four of our pets. Using the current veterinary charts, the ages of  my four-legged roommates add up to 264 years. My cats are are just a year younger than my mother, and she and they seem to share a similar level of frailty. My dogs are middle-aged, and they and I seem to be suffering similar aches and pains. Layla the dog and Snowflake the cat have to really watch the tartar build-up. Me too. Lola is getting hard of hearing. What? Did somebody call my name?
I might live with humans again someday, but for right now and I'm grateful for the company I've got.
Soon I'll be leaving on vacation, and I will entrust a young couple with the care of four pets who all have health issues.
Layla takes thyroid meds twice per day--after the morning and evening walks. Put the pills in a Jerky Treat, please. Be careful--she snaps and won't take it nicely from your hand. Don't panic if she stumbles on the walks. She has muscle & nerve degeneration. When you hear her toenails scrape on the pavement, turn back.
Lola coughs and wheezes. She has allergies. Give her a pill. It's too big for a Jerky Treat. Stuff it into a Pill Pocket. Kudos to the genius who invented these.
If Layla coughs, give her one of Lola's pills. Remember, she snaps.
Piper has allergies (could she be allergic to dogs?) I'll give her an injection before I leave. She'll probably be fine. If she licks all the hair off her stomach and legs, call C. She'll explain how to give the shot.
Snowflake meows a lot. Sometimes she lets loose with a bloodcurdling yowl. This seems to be normal for her. But it can drive a normal human crazy. Give her a treat. Bathroom drawer. Kitchen pantry. Try a tiny scoop of catnip in her bed--the one on my desk. If it's making you crazy, and you feel the urge to lick all the hair off your legs, put her in the garage with a little food and water. She has a bed there already. The wine on the kitchen counter is for you. Get wild and crazy with the liquor in the pantry. Check the freezer. If you like gin at all, try the Hendricks. There's Tonic somewhere.
Piper doesn't meow at all. You may think she's run away. Look under the bathroom sink. She likes it there.
Snowflake will run away if you leave the door ajar for even a second. Don't please. Then you'll have to jog through the neighborhood shaking a can of kitty treats. She's amazingly athletic for an old woman. She can jump over a fence like a cat on a pogo-stick.
Feed the cats a can of cat food 3 times a day--that's a new extra feeding that's been added. They have both been losing weight. (Me too). Be sure there is dry food in their dishes (laundry room and bathroom) at all times. Ditto on their water. The cat food is stored in the front closet on the top shelf next to the hats (mine--not the cat's).
Remember to shut the dog gate in the bathroom doorway or the dogs will eat all the cat's food. It gives them diarrhea. Don't forget to admire the nifty little alteration I made to the cat door portion of the gate.

Lola used to squeeze her 45 pound body through that tiny hole. Anything for cat food. Oh, don't put the empty cat food cans in the bathroom wastebasket--take them to to garage waste basket. If Lola does per chance starve herself to a new svelteness just to squeeze through the cat door, she will lick the cat food can lids and cut her tongue.
There are 2 litter boxes. One in the laundry room and one under Piper's sink. There are scoops next to them and litter deodorizer. I pretty much have air freshener everywhere. Desk. Bathroom. Laundry room. Sorry. I've heard that the olfactory system of a man is less sensitive than that of a woman. It's very important to keep the dogs out of the litter boxes. Layla is fond of Poo Poo Roca. Close the gate to the bathroom. As a double precaution, the side of the cabinet that holds the litter box is taped shut. It keeps dogs out and litter granules in. And keep the laundry room door that is in front of the litter box closed, and put the big rock with the cat painted on it in front of it.
If you're gone for hours, turn on the TV for the dogs. Chanel 67.
There's a broom and dustpan in the garage. The vacuum is there too. How much you clean is up to you. You might be a big Star Wars fan and find yourself quite attractive as a wookie.
If the cats throw up on the dining room chairs and you find it before the dogs eat it, don't worry. I think the better living through chemistry folks made that fabric. I just wipe it off with plain water. Cleans up real nice.  It doesn't happen all that often. Ditto the couch. It's leather. Treat it like a cheap pair of shoes.
All the dog-walking stuff is in the dresser by the french doors. Poo bags. Flashlight. Extra keys. Rain coat....The dogs are trained to walk on the left side by side. They can only make it a block or so. The park might be too far, but you can try. The pooper scooper is by the back gate. Scoop the patio at least twice a day. They have been known to step in their own poo and then come sit by you while you're watching TV.
The envelope taped to the pantry door is for you. Enjoy.
And enjoy the love of the creatures who invented unconditional love.
And enjoy my place. It's lovely here. Flocks of song birds and wild parrots. Cable TV. Help yourself to pay per view. Call long distance on my phone. Wireless Internet. There's a pool, jacuzzi & sauna in the community area. Have at that espresso-maker. Eat whatever I've got. I love you for being here.
Gosh I sure am glad Mr. Ex and the Little Missus have a nanny to change their baby's diapers. Otherwise that would be a lot of work for them.


Le mangeur de pĂȘche liquide said...

Though a palace and infirmary in title, your townhouse actually reigns as a little slice of heaven. I can't wait. I love you for offering all of this, and I am blessed (capital B!) to care for the sweet Unconditionals. Thank you!

Jules said...

Hey! Where are you going?