Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Grief Report

This is the tree The National Tai Chi Chuan Association, in coordination with the Bronson Canyon Tai Chi Group, requested from the Griffith Park Forestry Division, (Trees In Tribute)  dedicated to Dan Paik.

This is life at the bottom of the crater of grief.

Your feet are on the ground, but the ground is not to be trusted. The crater of grief is a funnel and sometimes the ground falls out from under you. Like maybe you got confused and poured rice into a funnel instead of a strainer to wash it, and the next thing you know the grains of rice are slipping out of the hole in the funnel and there is no bottom to anything, just the sound of your dinner slipping away.

You are always surprised at how permanent the loss is and how far reaching. Months go by and still the beloved is gone. Your eyes open in the morning and still he's not there. The phone rings at the appointed hour, but still it's not him. You go places you nearly forgot that the two of you went together--and the sudden sadness creates a roaring in your ears. The erosion continues as the  crater encompasses more and more of your world. There are so many places that he isn't. So many places that he will never be.

This is life at the bottom of the crater of grief.

The world narrows at the bottom of the crater of grief. Friends who are not really friends fall away. While friends who are really friends join hands and hold back the collapsing sides of the crater. And at the bottom of the crater of grief,  the sky is a tent of stars or an umbrella of blue. When your are at the bottom of the crater of grief, if you remember to look up, what you see is sky. Pure unadulterated sky.


Ms. Moon said...

This is perfect. That is all I can say.

lily cedar said...

It does get better, ever so slowly. It's been almost two years now since my mum died and I can think of her without crying or feeling liked some hit me in the stomach. It still catches me sometimes like in September when I visited my mum's sister and I burst into tears because she reminded me so much of my mum.

Take care Denise.

Not Blank said...

Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I survived a divorce and finally met the love of my life some time ago. Now it is me facing cancer instead of him. I'd rather it be me than him...

37paddington said...

There is no getting over this loss. There is only learning to live with it. Better to have had him though, even if it means the bottom of the crater. Easy for me to say, but I believe it is so. May your memories of Dan and how very much he loves you help the ground to hold.

Elizabeth said...

You're writing yourself through this. While I don't believe there's any getting over, there is or must be getting through, and that might be the endless, tireless, eternity of art and creation and weaving webs.