It's weird to throw the perfect party for someone, but they can't be there because they're dead. Glittering candles, favorite foods, the musician friends making music, friends and family from far and near.
People ask me how I'm doing. Oh, you know, I say. Or I might try to explain that the loss feels worse the longer it goes on, but that's not really something you can get into with everyone. Yet maybe we all feel that way. And so we fill a room with things that Dan would have loved. We comfort our bellies with pad thai, stuff our ears with favorite songs, tell stories, look at photos, kiss cheeks, hold each other, spill tears and drinks.
Today I thought of the dream I had not long after he died. I was on the phone with a friend but a call from him broke through. Hey baby, he said I just want you to know I'm okay. Things are good here. There were party noises in the background and he was a little bit distracted. And he couldn't stay on the phone. He had to go, he said. I hope that party was as good as this one.
7 comments:
Wow.
I believe. I do.
Your dream made me smile.
Oh.
an excellent dream. he was at that party. not so you could see him, of course, but he might even have been holding your hand.
I'm sorry if thats not helpful. i can only imagine how bad the missing him must be. one breath at a time.
love.
What a lovely commemoration for your Love. Sending hugs. x0 N2
Have you heard the Van Joy song "Mess is Mine"?
There's this line: When you think of love, do you think of pain?
Your loss seems so huge from the outside, I can't imagine how it must feel from the inside.
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