Monday, December 8, 2014

Setting Moon/ Rising Sun

Life in Pillville feels mostly unbloggable these days. I tell myself it can't be worse than holding your dying lover. It can't be worse than being dumped for a woman twenty years younger. It can't be worse than wailing in the doctor's office that anti-depressants are needed right now. It can't be worse than standing on a bridge and looking at your shoes and imagining them wet, the wet crawling upwards.

All those things happened. And I think that might actually be why things feel so bleak. I've got some kind of cumulative thing going on here.

But really, I'm all right. Every morning I wake delighted with the day. Good morning, world, I say aloud. And I am truly so happy to be alive to see the full moon set and the sun rise.

And I ask myself what kind of person I want to be. Kind, I say. Patient, I say. Full of love, I say. And each moment feels like erosion. Like sandpaper to the soul. Start over, I say. And I do. I do. I really do keep starting over.

But there's nothing like a situation that feels stuck to prompt one to get other stuff done. That tree that's needed trimming? The cruddy under-the-sink spot in the laundry room where the catbox used to be? Done and done. New hairstyle? Why not. If you can't change your life. Change your hair.

And I'm working toward some other changes too.


Elizabeth said...

I need to come up and have a drink with you.

lily cedar said...

You sound worn out. Sending hugs. And what Elizabeth said:)

Ms. Moon said...

I am in awe of you.

Anonymous said...

Complicated grieving, what you are going through has a name even tho there aren't many people in this world who understand what it means.

Ask for help. When you have a cold you don't hesitate to reach for whatever meds may help you. This is not different. Too much pressure at a time when the emotional resistance is a its lowest point.

Ask for,and get help. Our world is way too upside down for us to try and make sense of anything except to go through everyday motions without a sense of direction. We are the halves of something left behind without a map. Don't try to do it alone. Friends are wonderful but we need more than the love and understanding of friends.

We need a cartographer and some tools. Seek help and don't cut your hair yet.

Bella Rum said...

That's some good advice up there from Anonymous. I didn't seek help, and I kept going far to long. It took a terrible toll on my health and relationships. You're going through something that is tougher than many will ever know. So often, no one cares for the caregiver. I don't know about the hair. Maybe I'd cut it. What the hell?

Laura Johnson said...

I'm looking forward to hearing of your up coming changes. I recently read your blog from the beginning and your insight is amazing. We have a lot in common - divorce, caring for my 89 year old mom, the love of sea glass, the red Kitchen Aid and Prius. I am getting my hair cut this Sat. and I was contemplating a change. I feel like parallel universe to yours except I'm a boring accountant. Hugs

37paddington said...

I like what anonymous said. You are dealing with so much. The pressure builds up. Put a pinprick in that balloon, left the air seep out, slow and cool. At the very least it's somewhere else to be, something else to do. Alone with a good therapist or with a good group. I hope you do it. Love.