Monday, September 6, 2010
But I've been working hard--and not because I killed someone.
True, I haven't removed a ton of horse shit or battled with a hound of hell, but I have affixed my eyes to a lot of paper. All of the paper that my divorce has generated thus far. Every paper.
A grieving brain is a slippery thing. I've looked at these papers before. I've made notes. Such as: May 7th 200,000 into chking. account from invest. acct. Yup, the note's in my handwriting. It explains something that's been nibbling away at the edges of my consciousness for months. Something that I had to find out. A mystery to be solved. Except I already knew it. Maybe I've even blogged about it. I guess I didn't want to believe it.
Here's the deal, when someone dumps you and you go back over the weeks and months that precede that bad news, you don't want to admit to yourself that when your sweetheart was locking eyes (or other things) with you that it was done out of deception. To throw you off the trail. He takes you out for dinner and smiles and raises his glass so you won't guess that he's done that just a day or two before with someone else--and he's planning to marry her.
So here's what I know. Gosh a blog is a handy place to make lists you don't want to lose.
1) Phone calls: To her. First thing in the morning, last thing at night for months before he left me.
2) Dinners out near the office: Price tag just right for a party of two. Plenty.
3) Money: Missing. A big fat chunk from a nicely growing investment account. Almost a year and a half untouched. Then poof! Gone six weeks before he is.
4) Therapy: How exactly does one find a therapist so expensive?
Okay. I know what I know. My brain is no longer made of teflon. My heart is no longer broken.
Maybe if I put this list on my sidebar where I can see it regularly I won't forget it.