Sunday, January 11, 2015

If the man who loves me is really gone from this world, I'd like a plane ticket to somewhere fabulous.  I'd like to go out every night to some bar with colored lights and live music. I'd like a couple glasses of wine right now and a signed contract stating that I will not have to follow the ambulance to the emergency room in the dark in the rain while slightly impaired. Yeah.

Well, what I have is a fairly peaceful house tonight. I don't understand the moaning thing that my mom does. Sometimes it's frightening. Sometimes only moderately disturbing. This evening, it's been downgraded to mere mumbling. Soon she'll come out of her room and want her bedtime ice cream. Ice cream before bed is a family tradition. She and my Dad had ice cream before bed every single night of my growing up years. I'm hardly ever in the mood for ice cream these days and haven't been for ages. If I could have any dessert I wanted right now, I'm not even sure what it would be.

I started keeping a private journal of how I'm feeling. I did it one day. The next few days I felt so shitty about everything that I didn't even want to write it down. But I've been hurting less. It's like my mother's moaning, I guess.

I feel lucky to be keeping company with so many good people from T'ai Chi Chih and yoga.

Two more excellent grief links here. Did you know that grief theory has evolved in recent years? The five stages model is considered passé. Read this: Getting Grief Right

And as someone who practiced attachment parenting, why not Attachment Grieving? I'm fond of attachment in general.

Right now I'm re-attaching to Downton Abbey. I was getting tired of it,  but I'm interested in the plot line that has to do with Edith and her baby. After that, if this bout of sleeplessness I feel coming on endures, I'm going to work on a new short story.

How did you finish up your weekend?


Elizabeth said...

This all sounds good in the twisted way that I believe in good. Oh, and I'm with you on Dowton Abbey - re-interested. In fact, I'm going to climb into bed and watch the second episode on my Kindle Fire.

Sending love your way.

lily cedar said...

Thank you for both articles. I remember when Katie was diagnosed and I was so sad. For me, her diagnosis was a death of sorts. When I saw my doctor, she told me that I was depressed because my sadness had gone on for more than two weeks. WTF!

Even now, all these years later, my grief surfaces from time to time. I think it becomes part of us which is not a bad thing, just part of who we are, like a scar.

Take care woman.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh Denise! All I can say is that I wish you weren't having to go through all of this. I wish Dan had not died but was still your loving, healthy fellow. I don't even know what I would wish for your mother. That she didn't moan, at least.
But. Wishes.
May you find a bit of peace each day. Even a fleeting second. Just that.
That seems wishable.

37paddington said...

could you just travel with your mom IN the ambulance if it comes to that? then it won't matter so much if you're slightly impaired. might even help? hell, i don't know.

thanks for the grief links. I sent them to my cousin whose husband died two months ago.

Mel said...

What Mary said. And I really enjoyed the first article, it made so much sense. Have I told you about the book of poetry, The Art of Losing? I can't remember. I got an advanced copy to review a few years ago, and it was maybe too soon after losing my Dad, I was still a little too raw. But so many of those poems were cathartic, such beautiful pieces written about loss and grief, some were modern observations, some timeless, and they are arranged very intelligently in the book. They helped me when I didn't have anyone to talk to who understood - the book knew.

I wish your mom was not so fragile, or that there was a reason for moaning that would make it easier for you. Nothing about what you are doing is easy, and you've already been through so much that is hard.

Keep reading those articles, reaching out and connecting. You may feel lonely at times, but you are not alone.

Also, I just watched my recorded Downton Abbey episode last night. I agree, the Edith/baby storyline is so compelling, maybe the most interesting thing on the show besides that conniving Mr. Barrow, who confuses me constantly with his cruelty and his humanity.

Hope the rest of your week is peaceful.