Saturday, May 2, 2009

Problems of the Heart

My new sweetheart is down with a cold and has been confronting the fact that he may have a problem with his heart, too.  It will take some time before he gets in to see the cardiologist and because he's been feeling run down we've been seeing each other less.  
It seems like my own heart has only recently recovered from the trauma of divorce and now just as the word "love" has worked its way back into my vocabulary, I find myself speechless with melancholy.  I don't want to talk to anyone or go out. I don't feel like tackling any serious writing projects.  My kumquat and lemon trees are waiting to be transplanted into their nice big pots and I don't have any energy for the project.  I feel like I'm waiting too, but I don't know for what.  My own roots don't know whether to wind themselves into a little ball or reach out for deeper soil.  
The trick with all this is that I blame it on the divorce.  I catch myself grumbling that if my husband hadn't left me, life would be good.  But life wasn't good when we were married either. I was living with a man who didn't want to be with me.  I spent less time with him than I spend with the man I'm dating. 
I hate it when I lie to myself.


Elizabeth said...

I say wallow in the melancholy for a little bit because it will pass. As everything does. You'll feel joy, again, and anticipation which you'll be grateful for, knowing that they too will pass. And onward...

Jules said...

I second that motion. Stay with it and watch it turn into something else.