I saw a jumbo jet glinting in the sunlight tonight while I was walking my dogs and wished I was on it. Sorry, dogs. It seems ridiculous to me that more than 15 months after my marriage ended, I still have not adjusted. I have a lovely townhouse. I live with 2 dogs and 2 cats. When I turn out my reading light at night, the dogs come over to the side of the bed for a final pat on the head. The timid cat who spends her time licking the hair off her legs while living in my downstairs bathroom cabinet comes out of hiding and settles down on the foot of my bed. The other cat moves closer and purrs. So what is my problem? The problem is that it's Sunday night--the one night of the week when I used to eat dinner with my husband (I know--how pitiful is that?!) and as I was walking those sweet dogs and looking up at the jetliner, I actually thought, I should be walking to dinner with Mr. Ex right now. Is there no hope? My son once told me that being adopted is like being in the witness protection program. Divorce is like that too. Your past is wiped out. You're supposed to forget it and move on. Be someone else. Erase your history. Good thing I'm not in the witness protection program because I'd be fucking failing and would have a bullet in my brain by now.
So here's the score: 30 yr. marriage--over. 4 month relationship--over. Coffee date--lukewarm. Dinner date--no indigestion; just bland. Full moon Athens/internet/telephone romance and possible friendship--over because I felt like burning a bridge out of spite. Internet and telephone correspondence: over due to the fact that I'm not OVER the divorce. Internet correspondence--over because I'm not OVER the divorce. Okay, I admit it, I'm not over the divorce. So sue me.
2 comments:
Oh, dear. Go easy on yourself, Denise. I imagine that "getting over" it will take quite some time -- and perhaps in some respects you'll never get over "it." But you'll incorporate all that sadness and anger and loss into who you are and that person will be different but still amazing. Resilient and beautiful and wise. And hopefully with another man who makes you forget EVERYTHING!!
I know how hard it is to "move on". These are the words someone said to me after 20 years of relationships were innilated. But moving on was not easy for me. In fact it's taken me 10 years to work through the pain and grief of this loss. I'm not saying it will take you that long...some people are slower than others. But it may take some time. I think giving yourself that time may be the best thing you can do for yourself. It seems like a longer road but more healing in the end. You are a wonderful person. Debra
Post a Comment