Sunday, November 24, 2013

What a Difference a Decade Makes

my color-coded life a decade ago
I remembered it was my birthday the moment I opened my eyes this morning. At the foot of my bed is a trunk that once belonged to a great or great-great aunt, and I knew that inside I would find a stack of my old day-planners. I wanted to know what my life was life 10 years ago when I was turning 51--well, I have some idea what my life was like--but I wanted to see the minutiae of it on paper. My life was color-coded!!! I have no fucking idea what the colors meant--urgent!!do this or die, fun vs. not fun, fuck you I'm only doing this if I feel like it. I really can't make sense of it now.

But from reading through the notations a bit, I see that I was taking M back and forth to an array of doctors for a mysterious and scary ailment that eventually got around to resolving itself. That she had a broken a finger playing basketball again so there were doctors for that too. C was driving her own self here and there, but I was shuttling M to a billion things in addition to the doctors. There were law firm events, and lots of nights out to Clippers games and the theatre and a certain amount of stress as to whether the Someone could actually take the time to go to these things. I was going out with friends and doing theatre myself, and my, my, my life was a whirl.

My calendar today as I turn 61, has nothing that needs writing. The daughters (one with a husband!--now that's a momentous change from a decade ago, no?) are both here and we will go to the farmer's market. There is a birthday dinner being planned (hooray for the daughter who married a man who loves to cook AND bake,) and I really should go to the supermarket because my mother is almost out of gin and vermouth. Mom really ought to have a martini on my birthday, don't you think?

I saw the sun rise on this day that I turn 61, and gave thanks for being here to see it. And as the water turned pink I read this:

 “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” In that sense, forgiveness is really not about someone’s harmful behavior; it’s about our own relationship with our past.

Okay. Happy Birthday to me. Good-bye 2003, etc. I'm closing your cover. Back in the trunk you go.


Ms. Moon said...

Oh! Happy Birthday, Denise!
And now your life is filled with color and not color-coded and isn't that a beautiful, joyful thing?
Have a wonderful day. Enjoy it all.

Allison said...

Happy Birthday to you. Mine is Monday, and I, too, shall be 61. I love looking at old day planners. When we downsized, 10 years went out in the purge. I miss them, but we're continuing to accumulate them in our new world order. Have a good time today.

Joan said...

Happy Birthday Denise. It gives me so much pleasure to read about the life you are living now.

Elizabeth said...

Happy birthday, beautiful woman. And it's just like beautiful you to write something like this -- profound and exceptional.

tara said...

A very happy birthday to you! How amazing to have your day-planners to review. Quite a different life, yeah? The current one sounds much better!

lily cedar said...

Happy Birthday!