Monday, March 2, 2015

Monday Morning Grief Report


Mondays. Bottom of the crater. Mondays. No salvation.

Dan always spent Sunday night at my place. Awake before dawn. The lingering. Out of bed at the last possible moment, bolting through the shower, then downstairs to the coffee pot. We took our coffee into the car, me always reminding him that the clock in the car was twelve minutes fast. Driving in the pale light. Warm coffee. Warm hands. Train station kisses. Call me, baby. Or I'll call you, doll. Sometimes he liked to say my whole name: Good-bye, Denise Emanuel Clemen. My name seemed so extravagant next to his. He signed his emails to me d--. I signed mine D--.

The dawn sky was pure drama this morning, but I could not get up. Sit up and take a picture from bed, I told myself. I did not. C'mon. No. When you argue with yourself you always win.

At 6:06 I thought about reaching for the phone. Thought about calling the caregiver and canceling. Skipping yoga. Staying in my pajamas all day. Telling my mom she could stay in hers. I thought about it a long time. At 7:30 I bolted into the shower, then downstairs to the coffee pot. Still brushing my teeth when the caregiver arrived.

Yoga is always good. Body. Mind. Spirit. I hate that we divide ourselves that way. Whatever. Afterwards I sat in the hatch of my car. Outdoor office, the yoga teacher said. Room with a view, I said.


I declined an invitation to walk with friends. Made a doctor's appointment for my mom. Ordered one of her prescriptions. All the while fighting the sadness billowing inside. Errands. Errands are the cure. Do what must be done. One does not weep while shopping for a toilet seat riser in CVS. Well, one could. I did not. Study all the slippers. One does not weep shopping for slippers. Maybe there's a pair that would be better for her. Feel all the soles. Feel all the souls. Too slippery? Too much grip? What else? What else can I buy to make her life easier?

Finally I make it to the beach. I walk with a cup of coffee, warming my cold hands. The day looks like this.



6 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

"No Salvadidas."
So much more poetic than the English.
I have had so many days like this. Days where I forced myself through in order to get to the other side, even if the other side was just bed. Again.
And then there are the days that you just have to spend in pajamas
I want you to know how much I honor and respect what you're going through. With all the parts of me, not separated.

Ms. Moon said...

"Salvavidas," of course.
Ah lah.

lily cedar said...

Oh my god that beach and sky are beautiful. And you made it through the day. Sending hugs.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Denise. I am sorry and sad for your grief. I can conjure Dan's smile in my mind. He was such a force. May tomorrow be easier.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Denise. I am sorry and sad for your grief. I can conjure Dan's smile in my mind. He was such a force. May tomorrow be easier.

Bella Rum said...

Such beauty you captured in your photos.
We could all use a lifeguard once in awhile, couldn't we?
I'm so sorry for your grief.